Fatherhood and learning

Being a father is truly a gift. I have learned more about myself in the past three years than in any other time in my entire life and some of it I am not very sure I am happy with.

Let me back up. My daughter was born 3.5 years ago and I was a goner from moment one. The big eyes, moonshaped head, full black hair, truly scary long toes (that is how I knew I was her dad) and orange skin. She was born jaundiced and it got very scary for the next few days. She was nearly readmitted and we had to go back to the hospital for five straight days for blood tests. When you read what can happen with a jaundice kid you can only think the worst and then everything works out and you make Halloween jokes about your child with the round, orange head.

For those of you who know me, I am thought to be the level headed one, the kind and understanding person, or the person who sees the long view of life. Well my daughter has taught me to live in the moment for good and for bad. I have never felt so much love as to see the door open at the end of a day or to feel a hug on your leg as I am cooking dinner. I have also never been so angry when a 3 year old decides to be defiant or treats her family rudely. I try to make the one feeling last and I try to work through the other. But it is hard.

As much as I love my wife and my other family members, I know that they have a choice to be with me where as my daughter does not. I was 1/2 of a team that brought her into this world and her world is not much bigger than our 1,100 sq ft condo. She does not have a choice in the matter. So when I make a mistake (and come on we all make mistakes) I feel bad for my wife but she said "yes" when I asked "the" question (or at least did not say no) but this kid has to deal with the long term consequences of me not being a lawyer, engineer, lotto winner. This kid who would not care if we lived in a cardboard box, is looking to me (whether she knows it or not) to make sure that she has all opportunities open to her and I want to make sure that they are open. Not that she takes them or that they are easy. I just want to make sure that she knows that they are there.

Fathers and daughters-I want to build a 20 foot wall around our place and reserve a place for my daughter in a convent, while also making sure that she has every opportunity to be the first (or second) female president, incredible athelete, musician, academic, adventurer and explorer.

I want to make sure I am not screwing up while also savoring every minute that I have with her. Dammit, I can't do both so I guess I will have to go with the later.